Day 5

Hello friends. Today is a bit of a later entry, but still earlier than yesterday. Lol. Since it is now the weekend, the library is closed, so that’s a bummer. I still came downstairs, to the children’s hospital side of things, to come write, but it’s not as quiet as the library. Granted my room is pretty chill, but let’s face it, I need to get out of there every so often. lol . I’ve decided I’m going to start keeping a tally of how many people comment on my Squishmallow tattoo, because it’s usually at least one person/day. Lol. No one yet today, but one of the assistants did yesterday. I’m again unsure what I’m going to write about today, because today is pretty uneventful, (which is honestly good, considering the circumstances). Anyway, when I got downstairs today, I noticed the ice cream shop is closed. I’m really hoping it’s not closed tomorrow, because our plan is to take Emmett & Grace there when they come to visit. I guess if all else fails, there’s a cafe and Starbucks, so we could take them to one of those places instead, but who doesn’t love ice cream?! Well, except Ezra cuz he can’t have any. Lol. Poor guy. It is really hot down here. My nurse noticed something going on outside via my window today, but we were unable to tell what it was. Almost looked like a protest or something, so if anyone in GR has any leads on that, I’m curious. Lol. There’s a piano down here that’s playing Disney music, and it’s kind of distracting. Lol.

I’ve got some serious writer's block going on today, so I’m probably just going to ramble on about random nonsense, so if you choose to keep reading, you’ve been forewarned. Lol. I have a nurse today that I had a couple days ago and she’s really nice, but I totally keep forgetting to see what her name is. They usually write it on my board, but she hasn’t yet. She also said she’ll be here tomorrow during the day, so that’s really nice.

Alright, I got something to talk about. Let’s talk about Titanic. Again, if you know me, you know that I have been absolutely obsessed with both the movie, and the actual ship, since I was about 15 years old. Even though the Titanic sank 113 years ago, it still remains really relevant and talked about today. I know it can be somewhat controversial, but here’s my take on it. People say to leave it be because it’s a graveyard. While many people unfortunately lost their lives while on that ship, I personally don’t see anything wrong with us going down to look at it and examine it, as long as we’re not taking it apart and being disrespectful. Yes, it is where many people died, but so is Arlington Cemetery, and that’s a common spot for people to visit too. I think it’s a way to honor and remember those whose lives were lost. And eventually the ship will completely disappear, and we will only have history books to remember her by. I should say, I am NOT for trying to raise her, as I do think that’s disrespectful. Plus, she would just fall apart, as frail as she is. Now I know I’m gonna ge some flack for this, but if somehow I ever got over my immense fear of water and had more money than I knew what to do with, AND there was a safe way to do it, (nothing like Ocean Gate with their frickin Xbox controller), I would absolutely go down to see her. I’ve been to  the Titanic museums in Pigeon Forge, TN, (that one twice), and the one in Bronson, MO. I know there’s one somewhere in FL too that is on my bucket list to go to, and I think maybe in Seattle? Anyway, both of those museums have a room that is intentionally dark, with an ice wall that you can touch, 28 (?) degree water, and the room itself is quite cold. The idea is that it gives you a brief feeling of what it was like to be there that night. Each time I have walked into that room, I can’t really explain it, but I am filled with immense sorrow and a heavy heart, because I imagine how all those people must’ve felt. It’s extremely powerful for me. During my stay at the hospital, I did watch the new Nat Geo program they just put out about the Titanic, and it’s very cool. It’s neat how they were able to study her so much so they could make a digital replica. I would absolutely love to see that if it ever becomes available to the public. Idk what the point of this whole paragraph is, but it gave me something to write about, so here ya go. Lol. Comment below your thoughts on it! I’d love to hear them.

Oh! I know one more thing I was going to write about today. So as I’ve mentioned before, Chris and I are immensely blessed with the amount of support we’ve received during this difficult time. I know I did some shout outs today, but I’m gonna do a few more today. I’m going to again give mad props to my work bestie, Jessyca. She went to our house this morning so Chris could install Ezra’s car seat in her car, as she’s offered to pick up Ezra from daycare for us if for whatever reason, Chris is unable to before daycare closes. Jess & I text literally every single day, and she’s always asking me how I’m doing, and we share dumb work memes with each other. I know I can text her at any time if I need to vent about something, or reach out for help. She’s even offered to move her schedule around a little bit, if need be, to make sure she can be at our house when Emmett & Grace get off the bus if Chris is unable to work at home any of those days. Everyone in their life needs a Jessyca; someone who will love and support you all the time, especially when you need it most! She’s also a Christ follower so being able to ask her for prayers is always appreciated as well. Hopefully she doesn’t mind this shoutout too much, because she absolutely deserves it! I also want to say thank you to my friend Shelby, as she’s also one of my friends that I can literally call/text day or night with anything that’s bothering me, or if I need help. (I literally dropped my kids off to her at like 1:00am last year when I thought I could’ve been in labor with Ezra.) She’s the frickin bomb. She’s also helped me out on a lot of occasions when we needed last min childcare for Ezra, or even help with Emmett & Grace. Shelby also has such a giving heart, and is an amazing friend. She was probably the person who helped me and check on me the most after we lost Poppy & Daniel. We unfortunately both know what it’s like to lose a baby you were expecting, so she helped me a lot after that. We even got tattoos for our angel babies together. (Again, go see Karley if you need a new tattoo artist!)

Semi-related though, let’s take a more serious turn for a min and talk about pregnancy loss. (Here’s your trigger warning for anyone that may need to skip this paragraph.) As I’m sure a lot of you reading know, Chris and I suffered two losses before we got pregnant with Ezra. Our first baby together, Poppy Mae, was lost at 4w6d. She was considered a chemical pregnancy because it happened so early on. HOWEVER, there is a lot of stigma around early losses, and some people have the audacity to say “it was just a clump of cells; it wasn’t really a baby”. And to that I say, not respectfully at all, piss off. Poppy was OUR baby. She was so incredibly loved, planned for, and wanted. We may have only known about her for 5 days before we lost her, but it was absolutely devastating. I remember Chris and I being on the Teams video call with our HR rep at work, and literally all 3 of us were crying. I’m trying not to cry right now writing about it. Until you’ve experienced a loss yourself, you will never understand the pain and anguish it leaves you with forever. You will constantly wonder what they would’ve been like, what they would look like, their personality, what they would’ve done with their life, etc. It’s so hard. Every year on both Daniel and Poppy’s due date, it’s a reminder that they should be here with us. It’s so incredibly hard to try and grieve someone you never got the chance to meet. We lost our Poppy girl on Sept 29, 2022, just a few short months after Chris and I got married. We got the all clear to try again right away after we lost her. We decided to do so, and we got pregnant with Daniel that November. We were both excited and terrified. I think we found out I was pregnant with Daniel when I was about 4 weeks, we went for an ultrasound when I was around six weeks, and he was too little to be able to get an audible heart rate, but we saw the yolk sac and fetal pole, so we were hopeful. We went back two weeks later, only to be told the words that no parent ever wants to hear: “There is no heartbeat; I am so sorry.” Our worst fear had come true, yet again. It took me some time to process, as they asked me if I wanted to allow my body to try and pass him naturally, take the pill to jump start the process, or opt for a D&C. They had told us he was only measuring 6w3d, when he was supposed to be at 8w2d, so he had likely passed shortly after our first appt two weeks prior. Since my body had shown no signs of recognizing the loss, I opted for the pill. For anyone else that ever has to make this choice, I would never choose this again. I picked it because I wanted to be able to see and hold him. I was told it would be like a heavy period, and what a crock of bologna that was. It was literally going through labor. It was extremely painful and traumatic. I was passing clots the size of a golf ball or even bigger, and every time I had to inspect it to see if it was him. (We wanted to send him off for testing, both to confirm the gender, and see if we could find a “cause” as to why we lost him.) I went through all of that, only to find out it didn’t work. I had to get a D&C anyway. I know now I’ll never have to, but if I ever had to choose again, I’d choose that from the beginning. It was mostly physically painless, but of course the emotional pain was still there. I remember waking up in recovery, instantly crying because I knew my baby was gone and I missed him. It sucked. It sucked a lot. Losing Daniel Thomas so shortly after Poppy was really hard for me and Chris. We weren’t sure if we could deal with the possibility of another loss, so we decided to wait several months before even considering trying again. After about four months, we decided we’d give it one more go, and got pregnant with Ezra shortly after. You all know that Ezra was overall a healthy pregnancy, and we’re so blessed to be able to hold him and love on him every single day. I would like to reiterate though, that Ezra, or this baby, will NEVER replace Poppy & Daniel. They will always hold a special place in our hearts and they will always be missed. Emmett & Grace know about Poppy & Daniel, and we have a shadow box for them hanging up in our mai hallway. We will tell Ezra and this baby about their big brother and sister they never got to meet too. If you know someone that’s experienced a loss, I would encourage you to still talk about them and remember them. While of course it’s always hit with a tinge of sadness, it always warms my heart when people remember Poppy & Daniel. It’s so nice to know they’re not forgotten, and there’s people out there who will always love and miss them. Pregnancy after a loss, (or multiple losses), is extremely hard. Every little thing worries you, and you’re constantly checking every time you wipe to see if there’s blood. So if you know someone is pregnant with their rainbow baby, please extend them some grace and understand that while they are probably very excited, they’re probably equal parts terrified.

Whew. I’m sorry guys. I did not intend to get that heavy today, but once I get going, I can’t stop. But I think pregnancy loss is an important thing to talk about, as well as pregnancy after loss. Thankfully, the stigma has worn down over time, as more and more women are willing to share their story, or at least tell others they had a loss. I cannot imagine having to go through that experience alone, having to keep it to myself. I’m also extremely thankful the company Chris and I work for recognizes pregnancy loss as the loss of a child, and afforded us two weeks of bereavement time after each loss. It still wasn’t enough time, but I know that’s more than most people get, especially fathers who experience a loss. All that being said, I’m incredibly thankful to have Chris as my husband and best friend. He is literally my favorite person on the entire planet, and I absolutely love doing life with him. I always say if we had met 10 years prior, we’d have 12 kids. Seeing him be a dad is the most amazing thing. He’s the most hands on and loving dad I’ve ever seen. I’m not exaggerating either. Ezra is such a daddy’s boy, and rightfully so. Being a dad comes so natural to him. He has an insane amount of patience, (to the point it’s even frustrating sometimes, lol), and our kids just adore him, Emmett & Grace included. Not entirely sure what I’m getting at here, other than ladies, and men, get you a partner that is truly your best friend, and supports you in every possible angle. A marriage isn’t 50/50; it’s 100/100. Pick someone who CHOOSES to love you, even on your worst day. Someone who’s not constantly letting you down, and you can 100% be yourself around. Never settle. And most of all, find someone who aligns with your religious and spiritual values.

I think that’s all I’ve got for now friends. I promise I’ll keep the content lighter tomorrow! Enjoy your Saturday, and remember, Sunday is coming! Jesus loves you!